April 13, 2012:
I want to be passionate about something. I do care about things, I do love things. But in our society that doesn’t particularly go anywhere on it’s own. People sublimate their passions for one thing, into another thing more socially acceptable or more necessary towards the scheme of running and maintaining civilization.
I don’t think I care particularly much about anything particularly useful to society. I care about a lot of things, I think, but I don’t think I’m very beneficial, in terms of progressing the existence of society. I’m not interested in curing diseases or ending poverty. I do recognize the emotion of these events, but I’ve learned to accept them. I’ve recognized that pain exists if you allow it. I’ve accepted certain truths and I’m not hurt by them anymore. Death, illness, suffering are fleeting.
01 Jan, 2014:
At the end of the day, what are we? Are we just a collection of bodies? Are we a mass of individual humans? What are we? Are we a mass? I see myself and I see others. I see people dress a certain way and talk a certain way and I think to myself how we rarely are individuals. In reality, most of us represent good personas of societally acceptable identities. I think what is most difficult is coming to terms with having an identity, yet maintaining a level of acceptability. At the end of the day, we all want to be accepted.
At times, it feels that to be truly accepted is to lose oneself to the collective conscious. In a way of submitting oneself so completely to the collective thought. I find my adult existence very troubling. I find it a struggle between thoroughly expressing myself to the fullest of my possible being, yet also trying to find acceptance.
We as humans are social beings. We seek comfort in our peers. Part of that comfort is acceptance. Yet that acceptance is sometimes based on things like conformity. Odd, unusual, bizarre things are viewed with confusion, and often change comes fraught with suspicion.
I think my adult experience has been an understanding that I need to lose myself to myself. When I love something, I love something unabashedly to the point of not caring what other people think. I still yearn for acceptance, but I yearn for acceptance within the parameters of people accepting who I already am, and not changing to be accepted.
I think my adult experience taught me to love myself unabashedly and to love what I love unabashedly. In this way, I think I’ve come full circle in a way to my confusion with personal identity and social acceptability.